Early October 2023:
In early October 2023, it was apparent that my mother (94, in Vancouver) was in the process of passing over. I was told this may happen quite quickly or could take months and therefore discouraged from flying over to be with her. I had spent a lovely quality time with her a few months earlier and we both knew that that might be the last time that we had together. As she could no longer use the telephone, I kept her in my mind and heart to try to communicate with her energetically or telepathically from Ireland. I was often in inner conversation with her over those days and it felt like Mum was a bit stuck in her passing over process. Ninety-four years of life is a lot of time to accumulate energetic baggage. Not thinking of any other reason to delay her departure, when her body was so degraded, I asked her if she had cleared from her life, all circumstances that had in any way caused conflict or disharmony: And that if she hadn’t finished that process, I volunteered to accompany her in the experience, meaning that I would also do it for my life at the same time.
Essentially, this involved facing and integrating all that I have experienced during my life. I felt that this process required total forgiveness of all people, events and circumstances by seeing that the rich and diverse experiences have been, or are, part of the human condition for which I came. Once instigated, delving through the layers, that have built up over so many years took a while – & I’m 25 years younger than Mum and have done some of this before. It became so much deeper than the initial Ho-Oponopono (the Hawaiian prayer of forgiveness) with which I began on the relatively surface level of my conscious mind. While doing this, I felt even more connected with Mum – each doing our own work.
Mum passed away peacefully in mid-October in Vancouver. I flew directly over to be with my sister Patsy, to organize and celebrate our amazing Mum’s life, as family and friends gathered in Vancouver, from many corners.
Covid –around Hallowe’en, I had a date with Kali Mother who raged through me violently throughout the night, feeling wretched, burning throat, full head, upset belly and diarrhoea. Interestingly, it was mainly when I’d have to get up to gargle or use the loo in the night, that realized how badly I felt, yet then fell right back into a deep though restless sleep. The main message I heard inside was for me not to resist any of the sickness, but to relax and allow it all to pass through me without judgement. To my amazement, I awoke feeling much better, like I now only had a “cold”. I tested positive for Covid and over the following days, while isolating, I just felt very tired with a heaviness in my head. I wasn’t suffering, just more observing – not fighting anything but feeling like something was not quite clear/right.
Meanwhile, Fearghal’s sister’s cancer condition was worsening and she asked us to come to visit them in London, which we did a couple of weeks later, when I was well cleared of Covid.
Her condition plummeted over that time and we were blessed to have had a couple of days with her and loved ones at her bedside, before she passed over. It was an emotional week – a bit surreal, beautiful, sad, caring and lovely to be together with family.
Over the next couple of weeks Fearghal honed his eulogy for his dear sister, before we all went to her funeral in Northern Ireland, where they had spent their youth. It was a beautiful and heart-warming send-off.
Death was very present and I felt comfortable with it, as a birth into the next phase of life.
Around this time I saw a youtube of Kogi’s Urgent message from Mother Earth for the COP28 in Dubai. It moved me to my sole and wrenched my belly with grief at what humanity was doing to our planetary Mother.
This call felt extremely important to me, especially because we had spent some time in Colombia’s Sierra Nevada, where we had spoken with some of the Kogi’s about the planetary situation in 2019. I was impressed by their wisdom and commitment.
In the first few weeks of December, I was very busy preparing for Christmas with two of our sons and grandchildren arriving for the holidays. However, during this time I developed first a severe sinusitis, followed soon after by an acute pneumonia, amongst other things.
Over Solstice (20/22 Dec.) A few times since Mum’s funeral, I had the feeling that my time on earth, may be up. It happened again over the winter solstice. I desperately wanted, I needed to know – what is the underlying entity that is strong, dark, hidden, (can’t quite see it) but it lurks ready to strike over the Christmas holidays. I can’t take it any more for it is also that same impulse which is at war across the earth, attacking Mother Earth and destroying my sense of loving family.
So I ask and am given a meeting to go deep into the shadow of darkness to come face to face with what ever is driving the rage/hatred/viciousness that lashes out from otherwise lovely people and drives the cruelty in the world.
I discovered that the key to enter into the shadow, to encounter & meet the dreaded source of human existential fear, was to release my existential fear of death –my survival instinct.
There I found a large menacing entity. He immediately tried to terrify me but because I’d given up my fear of death, I had nothing left to fear. So after failed attempts, he stopped the antics and was open to answer my very sincere questions – ones for which I was ready to die in order to find the answers.
(I say “he” because the energy felt like one of brute force).
Then we could have a conversation: I learned that he, this beast, was an aspect of the human ego, which developed from feeling separated from and rejected by the One/Creator/Divine Mother. Grounded in unworthiness it craves to feel loved, accepted and respected. To do this, it needs to always win in a perceived competitive, hostile world where there are only winners and losers. It needs to feel in control so its unworthiness cannot be detected and no one can reject it.
(Wizard of Oz came to mind). This becomes its whole raison-d’etre and it is consumed by winning at all cost even if it destroys its “mother” that sustains its life, and anything/one else. It is very smart and very sensitive to detect any possible attack even if not intended.
Suddenly, I remember my “Beastie” from a Damanhur Spiritual Healing session when we sculpted in play dough, the inner impulse that sabotages our best interests. We were to give it a shape and while sculpting I felt its cruelty, potency and efficiency as it emerged through my hands: The long sensitized antennae always on the look-out for any possible threat or victim, a sharp, strong blade coming out of his back, above the heart space, two expansive fins/wings/arms to propel it efficiently through water, air, or on ground, a longish body like a salamander coming down to an effectual tail to propel and steer it. I had dyed the play dough green. My little creation surprised me and rather gave me the shivers. It was nasty, smart and very effective.
However, as I submitted my photo of it, it was upturned and I saw it upside down. It looked like a fun-loving forest elf/nymph dancing!!! What an insight! When inversed it became the antithesis of itself – the other side of the same coin.
Now I was facing this “Beastie” in its fullest version – the Master one that drives our whole species’ angst from a sense of not belonging.
I learned that because this was based in fear and was very, very smart after so much time evolving, it could not be duped by insincere platitudes. Its existential fear is not something logical or rational, nor has it any interest to abide by social norms. Therefore any attempt for discussion in order to find a compromise or for it to recede because it is hurtful or disruptive is out of the question. “He” wants to hurt and disrupt others so they learn not to mess with him, but to “respect” and will put up with his antics in order to try to keep things as smooth as possible, in the hopes that the assault and resultant fall-out will soon blow over.
He could not be defeated, for his power and capability grew exponentially whenever he felt threatened. He could not be appeased or cajoled into a false sense of acceptance if it was not based in pure love that is even beyond judgment – the prerequisite for forgiveness.
The only possibility to change his course was through seeing through his divisive and antagonistic front and focusing on the divine spark that is inherent in all of creation. A bit like focusing on the beautiful essence of your child when s/he isn’t coping well with a situation.
As he craves more than anything to be appreciated and loved, I understood that through an all encompassing, non-judgmental love I could welcome him in through my heart (my heart’s portal to the Divine), to integrate and feel at one with the greater Whole. I was not taking responsibility for him, but acting as an instrument of the Divine to facilitate unity consciousness. As he could now feel that He belonged, he could offer his unique and beautiful gifts without any fear of criticism or rejection. His fear and angst could be replaced by the fulfillment of co-creating something beautiful together with his family.
Suddenly I could see the possibility of Beastie becoming Paxiere*. Through unconditional love for Beastie, Paxiere can come to him, radiating love and acceptance and give him a hand up, so he is upright, not slithering on the ground. As such, he integrates into Paxiere!!!
(*Paxiere- I perceived this concept during the September 2023 Peace Week as an archetype for the era of Unity Consciousness. S/he is beyond dualism and any perceived limitations such as form and can shapeshift. The essence is of pure harmony, joy, beauty, compassion, kindness, unconditional Love, generosity,…. from beyond time, space. Beyond any concept of judgment, s/he knows that we are each divine aspects of The One to be encouraged and appreciated for our unique gifts that we have and are).
This was such a delightful and heart-lifting revelation!!!!
With all these revelations, I started feeling better, lighter, and remained grateful that I wasn’t feeling tired during the day due to lack of sleep at night (steroids).
Dec. 23-30:
We have a very pleasant Christmas with our sons and grandchildren & their beloved dog, staying. There was a constant flow of things to do and everyone pitched in, particularly in the kitchen. It was so lovely to have everyone here and I managed to get out daily to commune with nature in the woodlands.
During this whole time, possibly mainly because I was awake all nights, I was surrendering to Divine Mother to do Her will and asking daily what I could/can do to help in healing of the earth and all of her children, focusing on humans as we are the main perpetrators who need to stop killing her and each other. The backdrop was of such violence and war, both in Ukraine and now in Gaza: Such unspeakable atrocities. A genocide fuelled by hatred, ignorance and revenge – Beastie in full flight. How do I reconcile that with focusing on the divine spark in every life and situation/possibility?
I had stopped listening to/watching the news.
31st Dec.:
Whoa!!!! What happened in those seconds at 10 am.?
I was feeling so well, happy, joyful, exuberant eating breakfast with Fearghal after a morning of yoga, meditation, sorting out laundry, ironing, …. Then, I felt that maybe I had given myself a bit too much muesli with the fresh fruit and yoghurt but it was delicious and I ate slowly – so enjoying it and the beautiful scenery. Fearghal got up to refill the teapot.
Looking out on the field and trees, I remembered what I realized yesterday, that I can be free from my opinions and judgements. And started to feel like what Joanna Macy had referred to as an expanded being beyond the separated self – merged/integrated with Nature and all of creation. All the limiting beliefs of what is and is not possible were falling away as an out-of-date story that has lost relevance. THAT’S IT! I identified as earth not as Juliet persona, … then suddenly the Kogi’s urgent message to Humanity flashed in me. This Nature/planet with whom I am One, is being raped and pillaged by humanity – us. Her very womb and belly that birthed and sustains us , and all of her children – Life, is being ruptured and torn asunder. It was a shocking sensation!
Then WHAP!!!!! It was a fast as if I had been shot in the belly. A force violently crumpled me in absolute agony – as if my womb and belly had been torn asunder. About to faint with the pain, I quickly put my head down between my legs to stop from banging my head on the floor. My voice was hardly audible. I called out to Fearghal to quickly help me to get up to bed & to bring a pot (projectile vomiting felt likely) and a towel. My belly – whole abdomen seized up in convulsions and cramps and almost had to crawl with Fearghal’s help to the stairs. I don’t know how I made it up but I fell into bed with all my clothes on and big duvet, where I lay in pain for the next 8ish hours. It was New Year’s Eve and the Emergency room at the hospital today and probably tomorrow on the holiday would be even fuller and even more over-crowded than usual. I remembered someone a few years ago saying they were so sad to hear that his elderly friend had just died in the Emergency while awaiting treatment. In a triage situation, I would not be a priority patient when it may be filled with young people presenting with emergency life-threatening symptoms and I’m an “old woman” with a belly ache. The thought of being left sitting in a chair for hours and possibly overnight made me feel so grateful to be in my bed. I could cope with this. Sitting in a chair like that would kill me.
Though I had no hunger, I realized that I would have to fast for a couple of days to give my gut a rest and just drink water to keep hydrated.
I felt almost delirious and just kept humming, toning to soothe myself and repeating like a mantra that I had to focus on radically relaxing to untie the knots in my belly, willingly allowing whatever force it was to move through me and lovingly accepting all that was happening without any resistance. Resistance constricts and any time I felt resistance within, the cramps worsened. In and out of sleep, totally drained and just focusing on relaxing to ease the cramps, the day passed. Moving and walking was very painful.
Around 5:00 pm, I realized that my belly was distending so listened with my stethoscope to my gut for peristalsis. It was silent so asked for some fennel tea to get it moving, wondering if I could have a twisted bowel or… The sharp gas pains were intense. I had been chilled in bed with sweaters, big duvet & hot water bottle.
My temperature was 40.3 C. on the ear, so I took a couple of Paracetamol, which brought it right down.
Fearghal and the boys were very concerned and rang the doctors on call and hospitals. They all agreed with me that there was no point in a doctor coming out to me as I needed to have diagnostic tests to see what the problem was. So they would only send me to the hospital or recommend that I go there immediately, and also agreed that I would probably have to spend many hours waiting in a chair before being attended.
At that point I couldn’t bear even the thought of moving. If I didn’t move in the bed it was bearable, the thought of walking or getting into a car was awful. Hmmm, what could be causing the fever?
All the time I had this strong sense that I was experiencing what Earth/Gaia, The Mother is going through with all the trauma and pain we put her through (Kogi’s urgent warning) and that somehow I could help to tip a balance by Loving Free this great tension and pain – to allow it to be released back into the Light, or primordial Love. So I focused on that. It also helped to ease the pain when I relaxed into it.
I was feeling so grateful to be of any assistance to Divine Mother and said Yes to anything more I could offer, if it was helpful.
Then I remembered the pain when my uterus went into spasm the day after giving birth. It was a similar convulsive pain, but the Demerol or whatever they gave me didn’t stop the pain at all, it just made me so I couldn’t respond to it – I could feel the spasm continuing but because I felt drugged up its acuteness was dulled by a dreamlike quality.
Hmmmm, could it be uterus? No, I don’t think so because it feels like gas pain and the Fennel tea was helping a bit. Maybe my gut had gone into spasm, which would also stop its peristalsis. My gut started some small gurgles and I passed a small amt. of gas and burped, which was most encouraging and helpful.
Poor Fearghal, Arran and Liam were doting and concerned, but I knew I could not not survive sitting in a busy emergency ward for many hours. I just had to rest. I was being called to fast – like in Cappadocia I wondered if it was part of a requisite purification process.
After talking to a few doctors/nurses, I stayed put and night went pretty well.
1 Jan. 2024
Woke up feeling exhausted and wrecked, but cramps had eased a bit and I’d slept pretty much through the night until 9:00 ish am.
I would continue my fast until tomorrow, to give my gut two full days of rest. The cramps were easing and walking was not so painful. I even felt okay to go downstairs to spend a couple of hours with family members from abroad who had come for lunch. What do I feel? Weak and very fragile, very tired still crampy and like my body has been through the wars but is recovering.
I listened to some inspiring and heart-warming online sessions offered by “Seven Days of Rest” and Reweaving Ourselves back into Wholeness. I started to hear my belly growling, which is great and peristalsis was restarting.
Arran insisted I get a doctor in today, so Fearghal called the service but I don’t see the need at all to come here. My temp is back to normal, the cramps are subsiding and gut is gurgling again, I’m drinking water and peeing without problem, and no longer in distress. I feel like I’m coming through whatever it was I was given. If a doctor wants to diagnose something they would need tests that are only in hospitals. So we’ll see. The nurse agreed. Tomorrow when I eat again, we’ll see if there is still a problem. By then, 2nd Jan., it is no longer a public holiday so the Emergency department should be less crowded.
It feels like I’m going through a transformation process that is more metaphysical and physiologically based. I totally trust Divine Mother to guide me to whatever is needed.
Around 2:45 am on 2nd Jan. I awoke with stronger and more persistent pains. It was too early to spend the rest of the night sitting on a chair in Emergency dept., and Fearghal needed his sleep, so I decided to wait 3 more hours until 5:45 am. So that I could be in the hospital Emergency ward by 7:00 ish in time for the morning/day shift to begin. All went to plan and I arrived by ambulance to Cork University Hospital at 7:00 am. Though the abdominal pains were quite bad, I felt able to face a few hours sitting in a chair, which I did until I was seen at 10:00 am. They quickly diagnosed, from lab and diagnostic tests that I had internal abscesses and my body was in quite a severe state of sepsis. I was soon started on intensive antimicrobial intravenous medication and was brought up to a bed on The Mothers’ Ward.
Within a couple of days I felt like my innards had become a war zone. When I tried to picture it, it looked like a bombed out, desolate & dying place. I asked what I could do to nurture it and bring back colour and life. Then I heard a beautiful woman’s voice repeatedly singing, “Stop the War!” A friend had sent me a youtube of her friends’ daughter who had composed and sang a beautiful lament for the war in Gaza. I realized that the antimicrobial medicines and the pathogens in my body were at war and were destroying the “landscape”. So I commanded to them all to “Stop the War!!” I envisioned the enemies dropping their weapons, which transformed into tools to rebuild and nurture a beautiful living colourful and joy-filled landscape, inside me. They looked into each others’ eyes and realized – knew they were brothers and sisters and could embrace one another instead. I called for a big Love and Music Festival and envisioned the area cleaned up with clear babbling river flowing through, where people frolicked and children laughed and giggled. Adults were all smiling and the children who were all happy and well-cared for. The birds were singing and nature was in full bloom with plants and animals. All were thriving. There was lovely music playing everywhere, but I realized that there needed to be a conductor so that all could coherently play their music to be a harmonious symphony, instead of scattered little ditties playing separately. I called for a conductor to bring coherence and harmony to the whole scene and watched everyone joyfully pull out musical instruments, or started to dance together in a whole beautiful and ecstatic scene. Ahhhh, I felt like my body was starting to come into harmony with all its various aspects. The antimicrobial regime that felt a bit overwhelming was brought into the symphony, too. All were welcome and all brought their unique gift to the whole.
It was quite an amazing journey over those two weeks of intensive medication and absolutely brilliant, very professional and compassionate care by all the staff at the hospital. I have had to take it very easy over the subsequent couple of months and have been so grateful to all the loving care given to me by my family and loved ones.